The Sewer Pipe would like to congratulate Stevie The Masked Man Dalpe, for being quite convincingly voted by you, Cleveland surfers, as Cleveland's New Star Surfer.
We were quite surprised here at The Sewer Pipe. We were sure that The Wookie or The Labia would dominate this contest, and even imagined a scenario where some upshot from the off the radar might burst in and take this cherished (and only) honor in Cleveland surfing.
But, in the end, when it's all said and done, moves and style are what win surfing contests, and this one was no exception.
The Results:
Stevie: 3-votes
Luke: 2-votes
Mikey: 1-vote
Vince: 1-vote
Donny: 1-vote
There were other suggestions which we'll accept as nominations, such as The Rod (Trademarked), Rich Stack, Rick Guest, Mongo, and MK Ultra, but in each case, the nominator named several people, but did not cast a vote for any single one.
Unfortunately, we weren't able to reach Stevie to give him the news, or get a quote from him on how it feels to be stepping into the legendary Johnny Santosousa's wax. But we did manage to contact some of Cleveland's other Midwest-renown surfers, to get their take on Stevie's win:
The Rod (Trademarked)
"Who the fuck won what?"
Lake Chewbacca
"No comment."
Scott Ditzenberger
"Way to go, Stevie! We knew you could do it! You always had my vote, even though I didn't vote. Out Of Place is proud of you! I hope you'll come to my movie on the 24th at the Cedar Lee. It's only ten bucks, and though you're not in it, it's won a lot of awards and stuff, and its got Vince in it!"
Lord Mongo
"Who the fuck won what?"
Luke The Kook
"Winner, huh? We'll see how much of a winner he is with two broken legs."
There you have it folks. Looks like it's going to be an interesting year out there. Now, all we need are some waves.
Eds Note: We're reposting this response from The Kook for him, because he erroneously posted it under the wrong entry.
ReplyDeleteJY
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Anonymous said...
I demand a recount!!! I didn't even get to cast a vote, or allocate enough time to drum up some support...this is bullshit!!! Don't make me get the state of Florida involved. I just got off the phone w/3 people who swear the cast a vote in my favor. How much did he pay you?
This whole thing's a sham, and I will go over your head...you make this right, or I'll be forced to go to the press.
-Puke
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Dear Puke,
ReplyDeleteWe can understand your dismay at losing. Nobody likes to be a loser, not even a Cleveland surfer.
But it is never useful to blame the messenger. The contest was fair, and the votes were carefully tabulated using state of the art electronic vote counting equipment and software.
We can assure you there were no hanging chads, votes by deceased lake surfers, or other irregularities.
As fellow Clevelanders all we can say is "Better luck next year!"
Like I said...this thing's fixed!!! I recall a conversation w/you where you called me the "Sasquatch" of lake surfing, because every shot you took of me came out grainy, blurred, and out of focus. I'm too quick (alot of woman have complained about this too...but that's a whole different story), and you don't have the chops to capture such a beautiful subject.
ReplyDeleteGet bent, douchebag!
-Puke
Worry not, oh Sasquatch! There are amazing advances being made in digital cameras and autofocus lenses all the time. Soon, even The Sasquatch of the lakes' mysteries will be able to be shared with the lake surfing public!
ReplyDeleteEds Note:
ReplyDeleteSo, here's another freeking twit that posts his comments in the wrong box (what are you guys smoking over there at Luke's? Why aren't you sharing?
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what the fuck is this shit....i tried to fucking vote for that fuckin puke guy but it never fucking posted and now some fucking kook won this stupid fucking contest.... this is worse fucking then what happen in fucking florida with that fucking tard bush.....and why the fuck wasnt the fucking rod included in this stupid fucking contest?i have fucking questions that need fucking answers....
fucking pissed,
fucking ripper
My attorney, S. Ditzenburger, has advised me to reply as follows:
ReplyDeleteNo purchase neccessary. One entry per household. Contest only open to U.S. residents 18 years of age and older. Winners are solely responsible for all taxes and or fees that may be incurred. Winners may not request substitutions of prize winnings. Neither The Sewer Pipe nor employees of The Sewer Pipe or may be held liable for any warranty, costs, damage, injury, or any other claims incurred. The Sewer Pipe reserves the right to alter any rules of any contest at anytime.
In other words, gentlemen: bite me.
Scott "DitzenbErger"
ReplyDeleteLeast that's how it's spelled late late at night whilst I'm googling myself.
Get it right J A Yanak.
Oh yeah, the show at the Cedar Lee is only 6.50 if you are a surfer.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Scott Ditzenberger, Esq.
p.s. I will do your living will, dui defense and any estate planning you could ever wish for.
Incest is best
ReplyDeleteshit man.
ReplyDeletethat was a fast contest.
i thought we would have a chance to back up the claims. we should all go to costa rica and settle this once and for all.